After being very immersed in recovery for more than two years now, I've learned so much through meetings, books, the internet and speaking to therapists that are experts on recovery and attachment. I went from four meetings per day for more than a year to my present meeting intake at about four meeting per week. I'm even leading some, as well as mentoring those in need of support. If you had told me my life would be here a couple years ago I wouldn't have believed you. And when I write these articles, which I never intended to write, everytime I publish one, I get a handful of readers/friends coming to me for help to stop drinking or drugging. And I am grateful that they do. Perhaps I'm being a tad selfish as helping others feels so good to my soul. As I am not an expert or a therapist, I simply direct those people to good resources to get professional help. This article is an update, and I'm also re posting the original article (below) of my own journey because of the positive responses from people who may need to read it. If it helps one person, then it's worth it.
I've seen and experienced first hand a lot of people in addiction, and suffering with ADHD, isolation, soul crushing break ups, and healing on their own road to recovery. There are some really lovely inspiring recovery stories. And some sad, and heartbreaking as well. The other day I saw someone who was inspired by this very article (below). The Saturday morning that he and his partner read it they called me and said what an inspiring peice it was, then he proceeded to never drink again, that very day! Wind forward to eight months from then when I saw him a couple days ago, the person I saw was not the same person he used to be. The person I saw recently was happy and healthy, and 21 pounds lighter than he was a year ago. The smile across his face said it all. His partner has been loving and supportive and he welcomed her participation and support on his journey. She was also there and her smile was even brighter. She was so proud of his sobreity journey and his new found health and happiness. And I was and am so happy for them both.
Every day we see the random Facebook friend post their 30, 5, or 20 year sobriety chip, sharing their achievment with their FB world. Bravo to them for sticking to this and not giving into the cravings. The inner pride of making it through each day, even 30 years on, is tremendous. This morning I received three calls from people in need of support. One beginning their journey and the other two still fighting their demons. I listen and support them as much as I can and have hope for their strength in the journey ahead. I may suggest resources such as the selection of books below and meetings but that's all I can really do. I make a point to stay on my side of the road at all costs and simply suggest helpful things along the way. I've learned one should never cross the fine line into someone elses' recovery. I simply lend an ear and friendship to those in need. Sometimes I visit a Refuge friend in rehab for moral support and I imagine just to have a visitor attend can brighten ones' day.
Apart from recovery books I also suggest attachment theory literature...there's a plethora of it and in the past two years I've read a bunch, but probably haven't even scratched the surface into this immense subject. I've learned that addiction is caused by our inner core that was formed very early in life by our caregivers or maybe even exacerbated by relationships that have hurt us along the way. The early attachment wounds are the triggers some feel later in life when they are too close to another person in relationships. When we are young our caregivers may have neglected us and our emotional needs, or hurt us. Then when we are old enough we find drugs and alcohol to numb the (subconscience) pain of neglect or abuse at our core. Why would we not want to numb that core with a drink, a pill, food, love, shopping, porn or cannabis? It's easily available and works instantly. Then we do it as a habit until one day we figure it out, or our doctor tells us in no uncertain terms that we simply cannot live like this any longer. So we stop (or try to) with the help of a number of effective organizations that exist all around the globe. From twelve step meetings like AA, and NA to the alternatives to those, such as Refuge Recovery, Recovery Dharma, Smart Recovery and more. When I speak at meetings or privately to people who call me for support I always mention attachment wounds because if one wants to get to the core of why they have addictions - our core attachment is where it's at. The core of us is what wants to be numbed and soothed so we throw the substances on to it and voila, it's feeling better (temporarily), then the monster returns when we sober up and the cycle repeats itself again and again and suddenly years later....you may decide to stop the cycle, inspired by health issues, or looking at your life and not being thrilled with where you're at, repeating relationship patterns again and again or ill health may take over. So you may test yourself to see if you can quit for x amount of days or a month etc. Someone I used to know would quit for thirty days to see if they could. And after the month go back to normal. A friend I spoke to recently quit for six months and now is back on the habit of daily drinking and has reached out for help. Everyone travels their own path to, or away from recovery. And from what I can see, this journey takes a life time and it's ever evolving. Always remembering whether you're 30 years sober or three days, you are always the same distance from the ditch! Regarding attachment wounds at our core...there's where my healing has taken place. Seeing it clearly has been helpful and healing for me and the general journey of healing is always ongoing. I've learned a lot since mine began. Our journey sometimes begins because we find we have to, mine began by simply supporting someone I cared about.
Starting with basic "self care"... Starting with myself! Self love and self care has to be first in every way. It can be as simple as cooking a lovely meal for ones self or having a bubble bath. Whatever your thing is to provide self care, that needs to be the most important thing on your list apart from not imbibing. I chose to immerse myself with information and education. I even took a couple classes at the local college to help my career, and have been going through more books than ever in my life to learn all I can about attachment theory, and why it affects us and our relationships. Every human being has an attachment style, there are three main ones - avoidant, anxious and secure. Avoidant attachment is sometimes called, "commitment phobia" and is often coupled with ADHD which commonly piggybacks onto the avoidant attachment wound through disregulation. Avoidant attachment wounds repeat throughout life if one doesn't want to work on a recovery for the core wound. And for an avoidant attacher that's the name of the game! AVOID! Whatever the attachment style whether it be avoidant or anxious, we fear feeling abandoned, scared and triggered. And then self sabotage rears it's ugly head and ruins perfectly good relationships due to this painful pattern. We then incorporate what happened to us in childhood into our adult relationship patterns. In the book, "The Loving Parent Guidebook" - it says on pg 10, - "In stressful adult situations, our inner child may be the one to react, mistaking the person in front of us as a person from the past. This can trigger the helplessness and fear we felt back then." So they self sabatage when they feel scared, which feels like a trigger when faced with any conflict and/or of the possibility of being left/abandoned. As they'd feel the pain they did as a child. So they prevent the possibility by running away from those good people who genuinely love them. And they run away from those partners who could've built a healthy lifelong relationship with. Instead they self sabotage, run from close connections and stay alone. Because being alone is the only place which feels safe to an avoidant attacher.
I did a year of something called EMDR - (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). The psychiatrist who was guiding me in the EMDR was a self professed avoidant attacher. He called himself a recovering avoidant. He told me many times that attachment wounds, (even for severe lifelong avoidant attachers), recovery is possible. Both parties in a relationship need to be equipped with knowledge into this to make it work. With the right resources I have found that healing our attachment wounds is possible but one has to want it and have the courage to face it head on, in order to acheive healing of this wound. And if one is an addict in recovery, healing their attachment wounds can be helpful as they go hand in hand. And one step further, if someone alos has ADHD (which many times goes hand in hand with avoidant attachment), it can be greatly lessened with that very same attachment recovery! All in all recovery of all kinds is possible. And these are intertwined in many cases. John Bowlby said, "insecure attachment was formed in a relationship, so attachment wounds can also be healed in a relationship." With this to happen both parties need full awareness of the attachment issues they each have and follow the guidelines of many experts in attachment such as John Bowlby and Sue Johnson.
I spent a couple years healing my own attachment wounds, on my journey with the help of good organizations, books, standard therapy and several alternative therapies. If you are seeking any kind of recovery there are plenty of good resources available. Also, reach out to a recovery community. Community and supportive people are key. There are many great recovery communities available at all times of the day and night via zoom. The following article is the re post from a while back about my personal tale of healing. And please, check out the resources at the bottom for some great recovery groups and helpful books.
February 8th 2022, was my first introduction to a Refuge Recovery meeting. It evolved into learning more about myself and my relationships. However, my reason has evolved into an addiction to personal growth, spirituality, community, service and especially this thing that was foreign to me, meditation...lots and lots of life changing meditation!
Meditation has never had a place in my life apart from maybe when I was a runner. Looking back, I think, running became a form of meditation. I used to run nearly everyday just for fun and exercise, and I found that it cleared my mind, never realizing that this was my form of meditation. I also ran in chipped races for speed, clearing more cobwebs with a hit of adrenaline to boot! Weirdly running was the only thing I preferred to do without music. And looking back now, I'm guessing the meditative aspect was why.
Another example of a meditative experience for me is the beach. As the ocean is so soothing, and there is nothing more healing for me than the ocean, and the sound of the waves. The sheer sound of the waves crashing are meditative in their own way.
When I began this journey, the meetings weren't about meditation. In the beginning, it was all about how can I best understand, and cope with the estranged, painful and complicated relationship with my adult children. I was told that there are other people in the meetings that may share a similar experience with their kids. And there were. So it slowly expanded into attending meetings to learn things about myself. When I started on this path, I had no idea about the wild ride ahead in the coming year!
Meditation was something I never saw coming. Learning to embrace this was not anything I had planned on. I was not a meditation type girl. Or so I thought! Mainly because I didn't understand what it was. In the first six months or so, I was unsure if I was even doing it correctly. But as time went on and my attendance in the meetings increased, I found the regularity of my meditation practice has provided me with a feeling of well being. It helps with everyday things, like dealing with traffic, frustrating people, relationships, and forgiveness of self and others. It even provides more clarity for sorting out my own life. I can see my future can only be healthier and made better with the mindful meditation practice that I now hold dear to me and am very committed to practicing always. I truly feel the calm and inner balance improving in my core, and that is definitley due to this practice!
A typical example of a 'life situation' improving from this practice was recently whilst dealing with bad behaviour of a certain airline, I remained calm throughout the entire process. After four long, brutal days of dealing with them, I got the outcome I wanted, and they got a calm, well mannered, assertive, but not aggressive customer. I didn't have to lose my cool! Loosing our cool, makes both parties feel bad. Of course the situation with the airline was still frustrating, but there was no shouting involved! Good result! And that, I believe, was another direct result of my mediation practice.
I understand now after nearly more than a year of doing 3 or 4, 20 minute guided group mediations per day, (sometimes more), that I had spent my whole life, doing, going, always staying busy, filling up every waking moment with people, gigs, activities, music, and background noise. Silence, and real deep contemplation, was a foreign concept to me. I had never had the experience of just being with myself. Eckart Tolle wrote, "When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself, When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world." That was me. I had never simply just been with myself. I've always been a people person. Getting nurtured, fulfilled and entertained by others. Always immersed in events and fun activities with friends. And yes, many times my mind was altered by substances, and sometimes not. For the last two years+ I have had a lot of 'me time' not involving others but instead, getting to know me.
Nowadays, not only is my world including meditation but it's also with a clear head, as there are no longer any substances clouding my thoughts. I was never addicted to substances, I was simply using them to enhance the fun! Or so I thought at the time. I am very lucky to have an 'off' button when it came to substances. I have learned in the last few years that many people are not as fortunate, and cannot simply stop easily and they struggle with cravings. I have always thought in moderation, nothing is bad. But I found when you have a clean clear head, it is a different high altogether. And it's not bad at all. It's actually kinda cool.
Then, my journey expanded yet again, by getting to the root of my personal childhood trauma. We all deal with childhood trauma differently. Some people (rarely) deal with it early on, to live a happy, healthy adulthood, free of dysfunction. They are able to create and nurture healthy long term relationships, including finding a mate, having children and building a life. They are probably those who have been fortunate to have a secure attachment style. Others live with emotional and/or physical abandonment, abuse or neglect and don't take care of it early. Many simply ignore the pain by sweeping it under the rug and numbing it with substances and all kinds of addictions. We develop these attachment styles which are naturally activated in relationships. Anxious, avoidant and secure. We get through life numbing this pain with drugs, alcohol, food, spending, sex, gambling, relationships and more. Then we may hit a 'rock bottom', get sober and hopfeully find help. Attachment experts say that attachment wounds were caused by a relationship and the only way to truly heal them are in a relationship. Sue Johnson literally wrote the book on how to do this in "Hold Me Tight." Learning about attachment as well as recovering from addictions is the most thorough way to heal. There are many ways to get help.
Some people that want to get sober choose the twelve step programs (there are many different groups, depending on your addiction); some choose other programs and therapies. I connected best with a Buddhist led organization called Refuge Recovery. There are many different methods of healing, growth, and recovery offered, varying on location, culture, religion and/or core beliefs.
You may ask what's the difference....Well, everyone has a different answer for this. I can only share mine....My personal experience is that the twelve step programs ask you to put all your trust in another entity. Call it your higher power, your god, whatever you choose to name it, put your eggs in their basket. Refuge Recovery asks you not to beleive in anything, only that you dig deep within YOURSELF to change the suffering, by attending meetings, remaining abstinent and doing the hard work.
I now have many hours behind me in both twelve step programs, and RR. I first walked into the rooms of Alanon (a 12-step program), a few years ago, pre pandemic, with only one question...'how can I best support my alcoholic partner'. I truly knew nothing about this topic. I've learned since, that normally, people start Alanon with a different question, and that is, 'how can I make my person/family member, stop drinking, drugging, over eating, over spending etc. Alanon has many sayings and slogans, one that suits best to answer this question is, "I cannot change it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it and I certainly didn't cause it!" I have learned that what most likely caused it, is nearly always due to individual trauma. That is what causes some to reach for the drug, the food, the bottle in the beginning... It is usually NOT from a recent situation, but rather what we as individuals have had to deal with in our own lives. These experiences formed us from the start, and causing pain that followed us as adults. Numbing was probably the easiest, most common way to deal with the pain of trauma, neglect, abuse, and abandonment triggers.
For the first 8 months of the past year (2022), I attended 20+ Zoom and in person meetings per week, combining 12-step and Refuge Recovery. Eventually, after many months of being immersed in both, I realized that I felt more connected to the teachings (Dharma), community (Sangha) and meditations of Refuge Recovery. Now, nearly a year down the road, I am fully immersed in the RR way. I now host one of my weekly meetings. And I take the commitment of service seriously. It's been awesome. I know that if I screw up, there are many wonderful, patient, and kind people on the screen to help me through if needed. I've done ok so far (with the help of the Sangha), and I love leading the meetings! I was even asked to be a speaker at the big Saturday night speaker meeting. I'm tentatively on the schedule, but am very undecided if I will do it at this time. These are all huge life changes for me. If you would have told me that my life was going to be like this a year ago, I probably would have asked what you're smoking, and can I have some!
Until this past year, I never knew personal growth like I do now...and in a year from now, or in a decade I may be saying that again and again, because there is no "end" to healing, personal growth and evolving. Whether you are in recovery as an addict or simply someone who loves the meditation, healing and growth that are part of the program...there is never a graduation! There is only more of the same, again, and again. Only improving with time.
It makes me a little sad when I look back on situations I could've done differently in the past, if I only had the tools I have now through recovery. I know I would've made different decisions as a parent for sure. As well as many times that I kept the calm by diffusing volatility, simply to keep the peace, then down the road exploding with ridiculous unintended words. It's simply pent up anger coming out in a clumsy manner. Alanon calls it 'the volcano'. The saddest part is, the recipients probably think I meant what I said. Truthfully we have all had that happen at one time or another in our lives.
With a better understanding of who I am, and where I'm going for the rest of my life. The road ahead seems like it gets more clear and calm by the day, and then some days it goes a tad backwards. One step ahead and two steps back as they say. In recovery I can see that applying much of the time. But I keep moving forward and theres always another meeting. and community to support me.
As I didn't start these meetings with any 'addictions to resolve' per se... I've been asked, why am I attending? My answer..."for many reasons". Personal growth being huge, I mean who is perfect? Certainly not I! We can all use some growth and enlightenment, right? Personal growth...and getting to know 'me'. Through self care and learning the basics of this. I got to a place, (on Thanksgiving Day 2022) when proudly what came out of my mouth (unexpectedly) in a meeting was, "I'm now treating myself as I treat others"! And coming from my household of origin, where my mom, was feeding everyone seconds before she had firsts, this was big for me! My natural impulse to help and feed others. I'm now taking care of myself too. The changes are numerous. People around me have pointed out that they also have noticed big changes since I began RR...for the better. Bottom line, I feel better.
Theres an acronym I learned in Alanon, F.E.A.R. - "Fuck Everything and Run" or "Face Everything and Recover." The second is what we all hope to achieve in recovery.
About 12 step programs...Alanon is very similar to AA, NA (Narcotics Anonymous), OA (Overeaters Anonymous) etc.. Alcoholics Annonymous was started by Bill Wilson in 1935. His wife, Lois founded Al-Anon 16 years later. Lois started Alanon to help the partner, friend or family member that is living with or supporting their addicted loved one. When her husband Bill started AA, Lois found that all the wives of their alcoholic husbands were waiting for the meetings to finish. So they sat around and chatted in the next room. And although I simplified the process, thats basically how the idea came to her to form a group for the suffering partners of the addicts. And how the partner, friend, and family members can best cope with, and stay supportive and loving without interfering in the suffering addicts' recovery process. They call it, "staying in your own hula hoop, or on your own side of the road". Twelve step programs are everywhere and have helped millions.
Refuge Recovery was born in a different manner. Noah Levine, founder and author of the Refuge Recovery book, grew up with meditation though he didn't practice it until he found himself as a teen in a pile of trouble, incarcerated and an addict. His father, Stephen Levine was a Jew turned Buddhist poet and teacher of guided meditation healing techniques. Refuge Recovery was a direct response to the clear need for a viable, non-theistic approach to recovery. Noah, feeling disconnected from the 12 steps' theistic philosophy, found deeper relief within the 4 Noble Truths and the 8-Fold Path of Buddhism. From Dharma Punx to Refuge Recovery, Noah’s writing and influence has been the cultural intersection of recovery and Buddhist practice. In twenty years of leading meditation centers, creating the Refuge Recovery organization and related treatment programs, leading meditation retreats, teaching the Dharma to groups and individuals, and training other Dharma teachers, Noah has helped many people to heal and recover. He speaks the language of addicts. His work reaches diverse populations, including many addicts who normally would never set foot in a Buddhist center. And it's a great alternative for those who have issues with the literature and/or 'god aspect' 12-step has to offer. Like me. Noahs' talks have included his experience in 12-step programs, as well as how meditation and recovery have influenced his own life.
RR is young, and has been going for only nine years. Due to its newness, many of the long time recovering addicts in RR, have come from old school 12-step. They recovered in pretty hardcore ways, that decades ago were what 12-step commonly did, like advising recovering addicts to eliminate all people, places and things. RR is a gentler and kinder program that advises to eliminate suffering by changing our own ways, like for instance, "just stop being an asshole" I just heard verbatim in a meeting the other day. In one of Noahs talks, whilst speaking about relationships, he said, "when we get into relationships it's like saying to the other person, are you ready to go on a journey of suffering with me and also have pleasurable experiences together too? Because all relationships have both". Learning to lean into the flow of both, and practice unattached appreciation are some of the keys. And Meditation is part of the process to getting there.
Refuge Recovery welcomes anyone and everyone who truly wants to make a difference in their life. Whether it be getting or staying abstinent or simply healing trauma and growing through the teachings, fellowship and meditations, RR welcomes you.
Noah Levine and I face timed the other day for about an hour. I learned a lot in that time, The Music Soup, had questions for him. Look out for my next blog as I will share this interview with you. In future you may see more RR links. There may be a newsletter soon. And photography coming for RR events. So please stay tuned for more on Noah and Refuge.
To wrap this up...regarding meditation and growth...Its never too late to clear out that old behaviour to make space for a new healthier happier way of life. In less than couple of weeks, it will be one year of my path to personal growth, meditation and self care. Its been one helluva interesting ride. Has it been easy? NO! Enjoyable?...DEFINITLEY NOT! Educational, painful, healing and evolving?...ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!!!
The following are resources mentioned in this blog, for those struggling with addiction, attachment wounds or simply wanting a different and/or better way of life...
Helpful organizations:
- Refuge Recovery World Services - https://www.refugerecovery.org
- Against The Stream - https://www.againstthestream.com
- Alcoholics Anonymous - https://www.aa.org
- Alanon - https://al-anon.org
- Narcotics Anonymous - https://na.org
- Overeaters Annonoymous - https://oa.org - Passenger Recovery - https://passengerrecovery.com
Books:
- Refuge Recovery Book By Noah Levine - https://amzn.to/3ynmGVe - The Loving Parent Guidebook - https://amzn.to/46uiIXr - Attached, the New Science of Adult Attachment - https://amzn.to/4fplRfj - Men Who Cant Love - https://amzn.to/46wawps - Healing Your Attachment Wounds - https://amzn.to/4dxC2FD - Healing the Shame that Binds You - https://amzn.to/3AaY6Y8 - Hold Me Tight - https://amzn.to/4dv6ShW
• This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of institutions or organizations unless explicitly stated. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any group, club, organization, company, or individual. ~ TMS
Comments